Oh yes.
That, my friends, is a giraffe enjoying the delicious tastiness of your computer screen.
That giraffe says, “Go here and draw a giraffe! Help that blog get goin’!”
Note carefully that she does not say, “Goez heer so i can haz frend?!” because giraffes, in addition to high heads, have high I.Qs. Nevertheless, they are afraid of cats, who do speak that way… maybe you should be afraid, too.
There are 6,799,011, 761 people in the world at the time I write this. If you were stuck in 6.7 billion elevators with them, you’d probably like, or at least be able to tolerate, many of them (this doesn’t apply to suspicious curmudgeons such as myself). Thankfully we don’t have to make the acquaintance of all the people who share our earth; we do run into a whole hell of a lot over the course of a life, though. So what do we do when we meet a jerk?
What’s a jerk, you say? Let me give you a quick bio…
Jerks, more specifically know as Cranialis rectus, are found everywhere, but can be coaxed into letting out their distinctive shrill cries by several methods. Daring to have a different opinion, taking up their precious time in any way, and politely asking them to not shout into their cell phones have all proven successful. They are nearly impossible to intimidate once they have been questioned or crossed, and often refuse to admit guilt to anything. Jerks, of necessity, have evolved an inability to understand that anyone besides themselves is important, and can be recognized by such.
You all know one (probably more) of these people. Maybe it’s the chick at work who refuses to stop eating her daily plate of haggis right next to you, the high school girl who dubs anyone over 120 lbs. “Miss Piggy’, or that guy in front of you at the stop light who won’t go for a minute at a green, and then, upon your horn being beeped, gets out to berate you as the cause of ’society’s downfall.’ They come in all colors, shapes, sizes,and levels of jerkdom, hell, they’re sometimes even family.
It seems to be my fate to meet them everywhere. I guess I just set them off by refusing to kowtow to their bullying, arrogant, nasty attitudes. I am also cursed with a temper rivaling that of my redheaded aunt after half a bottle of jack. So what do you do if you can’t stand letting them walk all over you?
Well, it’s simple. Standing up to them works wonders. You would be shocked how many otherwise normal people meekly accept absolutely ridiculous abuse from your local jerk. Now I’m not saying to go off on someone who doesn’t deserve this; reserve your words for the most deserving of jerks.
However, these malcontents have to be disciplined with tact, or you can come off as a jerk yourself. Let’s say you are waiting in line at Wal-mart, when the man in front of you starts berating the teller in tones more suitable for an outdoors murder. What did this teller do? The machine isn’t reading his card; clearly, this is 100% her fault and she must be reduced to tears immediately! So you, being the polite Jerk Slayer, say something along the lines of, “Sir, I don’t think she’s in charge of that machine’s maintenence, and if you give her just a moment, she can get deal with your problem, and our ears will thank you, too.” This must be said with a smile and a low, calm tone, but I swear to God, it usually works. Granted, you will get some spluttering, muttered epithets, even an angry, “Mind your business!” but usually a public reprimand of this type does wonders.
So the basic rules to dealing with jerks;
One, don’t lose your cool.
Two, be an example through your cool calm demeanor.
Three, be prepared to get the jerk’s famous #$%!& spray turned on you.
Four, be confident in your correctness.
So go forth! Don’t be afraid to say something to the jerks you meet! These people think they can get away with their uncouth behavior because no one checks them, so put the kibosh on that rubbish idea! Your friends will thank you, everyone around will thank you, hell, you may even get spontaneous applause (it’s happened to me!) and you’re making the world a better place! Manners are the grease that keeps the hinges between 6.7 billion people spinning and you can be that wonderful, shining example of WD-40!
It’s been a good weekend, folks!! Things that I am currently adoring include;
So what are you guys loving lately? Anything in particular making your day/week/whatever?
Have you ever had one of those moments when your focus sharpens, a shiver runs up your body, your heart speeds up and the earth shakes? I’m not talking dirty, either, people! I’m talking about running across a certain quote, a movie, a person, a song, a place or a picture that has such a deep and hidden meaning to you and you alone that it becomes somewhat of an obsession, burning up your brain as you try to swallow it all up. Anything that provokes days of convoluted thoughts and inspires new resolutions for your life qualifies.
I am a firm believer that everyone should seek out these kind of moments, because they are what forces us to the highest skies, to plumb the depths of our spirits. For me personally, the days have been weighing down more and more lately; the daily grind is becoming all too tedious and crude, like a gritty old movie. Halloween morning I woke up and I had a rather odd moment in which I realized that I didn’t like the people I was with and that this wasn’t where I wanted to be. At that exact moment, I wanted to be sitting alone on top of a mountain, staring at the blue sky, more than anything in the world. It put me in a very pissy mood, to say the least.
It’s hard to explain, but I hope you all understand the kind of thoughts I’m talking about. I don’t want to call it a revelation or an epiphany, it’s too serious and yet it trivializes the thing. I had that moment, a conscious thought, word for word in my head, “I want a change in my life.” Then I went home and ran across this quote, which I sat and re-read at least ten times before immediately copying it down.
“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries & they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.” — Buk. (via Love Letter to the Universe)
It’s an understatement to say this affected me deeply. Sounds silly, yeah yeah, but face it, the very largest portion of what makes us takes place invisibly as neruons fire in the darkness of our skulls. For the past months, I’ve felt like I was walking through quicksand, a weight on my head and a little ball of panic in my stomach. I can’t explain it, but I feel on fire now, electric, confident and creative, unstoppable, a warrior; a Leo for the first time in a long time. Be on the look out for things that will follow you your whole life, don’t let them pass you by. If you spend your days looking for tiny amazements, you’re that much more likely to find them.
Right now, I’m anxiously awaiting the 31st of October. My costume is sitting neatly folded in my closet and I’m ticking down the days with bated breath. Think about it; what other day of the year has an atmosphere so delightfully eerie and dark, when freaks are celebrated and an extra appendage or two is a good thing?
As much as we may want to avoid it, we’re all going to be packaged up neatly and put on a shelf by other people. They may see our hair, our outfit, the car we drive or the place we live and categorize us by that. You know how it goes – “Oh, she’s a goth/poor kid/nerd,” or whatever other group they think we are. Yes, this is stupid. Yes, it’s almost always wrong. This doesn’t change the fact that people will continue doing it forever and ever.
But you know, getting put in a group isn’t always bad. It can give people a feeling that you have something in common and lead to new friends, or spark conversations with people you don’t even know. Hell, maybe you are proud of being a hippie, or a bookworm (guilty!), or a biker chick.
Embracing the inevitable categorization or not, that doesn’t make it ok to just sink into the masses and lose our individuality! So here are some do’s and don’ts.
Do: Be what you want. Dress how you want, decorate your home the way you want, and say what you believe. There’s no way to make every one in the world happy, so it’s just a bit ridiculous to spend your whole life trying, right?
Don’t: Be pushy about it. Maybe you believe in karma. That’s all well and good, but if karma is the only thing you ever talk about, that’s not so good. Sharing the things you believe in from big hair to fly fishing is admirable, but don’t let your hobbies become your entire personality.
Do: Make others envy you. I’m not saying go buy a convertible, I’m saying live your life with grace, purpose, and determination. Do things that improve the world, and even if people think your pink hair is weird, they’ll probably be at least a little inspired. You can be the smartest, funnest, coolest person in the world and if you’re still living in your mom’s basement at 45, all the good things go out the window, noticed by no one.
Don’t: Be different just for the sake of it. This never works out; it’s the life equivalent of being that drunk chick at a party who brags that she can outdrink all the guys and then projectile vomits all over the house an hour later. No one is impressed, and no one thinks she’s cool. Acting a certain way just f0r attention is so junior high.
Do: Be prepared to give in once in a while. Let’s say you’ve got a rad look going on that you adore madly, complete with dreads, cat-eye contacts and neon clothing. That’s wonderful, but you may have to tone it down a bit sometimes, say for a job. It doesn’t make you a ‘quitter’ or a hypocrite; it just makes you sensible and realistic. Nothin’ wrong with that.
Don’t: Make certain people uncomfortable. This goes a bit with the one right above. Is it really necessary to shock your old, buttoned-to-the-neck Grammy by telling her that you’ve joined a nudist colony? The general public can suck it up and deal, but I’m sure you can think of times when it’s easier on all parties involved to just stay mute. Consideration never hurt anyone.
Do: Have friends of all types. Don’t feel constricted by others’ ideas of you, or like you have to only hang out with a certain kind of person because they’re ‘your type’. Surround yourself with people who make you happy, and damn the funny looks on other’s faces! It’s your life, not theirs, and in the end it’s you who should be happy.
“I thought long and hard about what I really wanted, what my passion was. And I decided I wanted to be a fucking zombie.”
-Rick, Zombie Boy, June 2008
I just stumbled over this guy’s interview and I gotta say, he totally nails my sense of humor. Even if you’re not a fan of braaaaaaaaains, go read it, seriously, it’s funny and it will actually make you think, too. He’s the perfect example of a person society thinks must be stupid/uneducated/a total delinquent, but then the person says, “Up yours, society,” and spouts off some well thought out, totally cogent and memorable quotes, thereby kicking society’s collective ass and sending them slinking away. Yes, this is probably a little insane* but even if you hate all tattoos, you at least have to admire his dedication. I know I have a little crush..
Extra credit : Gala’s Guide to Getting Great Tattoos Without Regret
* Rick also says, “I sacrificed my whole future for this.” So please, please don’t get even a small tattoo unless you absolutely love it and have thought about it for a long time. If you have, then go for it, baby!
Ever thrown open your closet door and stood there staring blankly, thrown into a whirling morass of boredom and despair? Ever realized that every possible combination of your clothing has been worn over… and over… and over… Well, sometimes regular garments just don’t cut it. Some days you want a little extra in your step, a special sparkle in your eye! To find your way out of the Dull Clothes Doldrums, a fashionista’s equivalent of writer’s block, draw inspiration from something you’ve never used as a model before; even the strangest or most random things can result in fun outfits. Try these inspirations to start out with.
Dress like a mermaid! Sure, you can go Disney style on this one and superglue some shells to your tatas. A more tasteful, still funky, and much less painful option includes fantastical shoes that look carved from coral, a fish-scale skirt, and rich inky-blue sequins. For added fun, carry around a bottle of bubbles and blow them at everyone you see.
Dress like a moon maiden! Delicate bejeweled sandals like moonbeams adorn your feet, sheer chiffon your body, and a glimmering unicorn-lure of silver feathers glints in your hair. Dip your nails into melted pearls and blow kisses with sugary-pink lips to the man in the moon.
Dress like Jane Eyre! Entice your very own deliciously brooding Rochester with a ladylike silk blouse worn over a woolen violet dress. Sensible gray boots cover your (gasp!) ankles, while a locket provides the perfect place for sketches of your forbidden love. Who says skin is the only way to be sexy? Wear this with inordinate amounts of common sense and courage.
Dress like a secret agent! Perhaps carrying around an actual handgun isn’t the best idea, but in head-to-toe sexpot black and an electric yellow tank, you’ll have plenty of kickass attitude without one. Paint your nails intense scarlet, bite your lip provocatively at cute boys or girls everywhere, walk with businesslike speed but with a swing to your hips, and make up scandalous pasts for each person you see.
Futher sources of inspiration: Movie characters. Imaginary friends. Fairy tales. Favorite beverages. Songs. Scents. Types of rocks. Places. Animals that don’t exist. Animals that do exist. Aliens. Local legends. Deep caves. Weather.
Girls, embrace the leather, the eyeliner, the motorcycles- and the pride!
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