Zzzzen….

29 06 2010

So I have a horse:

Missie says, "Wake me up and I'll bite you!"

 Yes, she’s beautiful, believe me she knows it…. anyway, to get training for her (which I need since she’s much smarter than I alone) I clean stalls at a local ranch every Monday in trade.

There’s a fine art to cleaning manure. Horses walk, all the time, constantly; they even sleep on their feet. So the poo doesn’t stay in nice easily-scooped little piles (well, not little, exactly); it gets trampled all over heck, and you have to use a rake to get all the pieces, or else spend hours more than necessary.
   
It was Monday. I raked… I scooped… I defended my wheelbarrow against horses who like to scratch themselves on it and inadvertently tip it over, I dodged bites, I sweated, I raked again. Then (in the middle of a particularly juicy curse aimed at a diabolical pony named, deceptively, Sugar) I looked back and saw the rake’s marks in the dust. They were beautiful. Heatstroke may have had a hand in this, but I swear, the whole ground was just these lovely soft curving lines, like the tracks of a hundred mysterious snakes.
Before Sugar ran off with my shovel, it reminded me of one of those Zen gardens, where monks comb lines into the sand around big boulders.
    
It was an unexpectedly tranquil moment and I am really glad I didn’t miss it. There were even a few butterflies in my ‘zen’ garden (they are attracted to the salt in the horsie pee). It was the perfect touch. So, lesson: look for the beauty that is left after poo is removed!




With Apologies to Mrs. Gibson

22 05 2010

This has not been a good weekend for me.

Committed the ultimate party foul- woke up on some guy’s couch naked in a puddle of my own pee. Yeah, I was incredibly drunk. Yes, I peed like a cat on furniture. Yes, I want to die right now as I type this from sheer humiliation.

I will not be drinking for a while.

Keep in mind I managed to get random-guy-sex-pee-on-a-couch drunk off just plain beer, no hard a was involved, and I am by no means a lightweight for a girl. That’s a lot of beer… So no more drinking for me. We’ll see how it goes… Sneaking out of someone’s house hoping to god they don’t wake up and see your piss stain on their parent’s furniture is not fun. I believe that’s what people refer to as ‘rock bottom’, no?

So how was YOUR weekend, guys?





Bucket List #1

5 05 2010

My mortal clock is overly loud. I’ve always been rather obsessed with the fact that one day, I’ll be dead. Since no one talks about that, I don’t know if my fears are normal or absolutely crazy, not that it matters, but to help soothe the raging tick-tock in my skull, I’m making a bucket list. This hopefully isn’t going to be one of the silly self-indulgent ones people make to validate their fear/laziness/lack of spine (though likely it’s hubris to think mine will be any different) consisting of items like- “Fall in love.” “Visit all the continents”. “Have one boy and one girl.” I am not saying those aren’t worthy goals, because they are; they are simply not the things that move me.

                               

 My entries may not be concrete, they may not be doable for decades, they may not even make much sense, but then again it’s never easy to elucidate what you really want. It sounds easy now but I have a feeling it will be harder than I think to limit myself to realistic things… This is going to be a category added to as things occur to me, edited, fiddled with as I mature. So new posts will be forthcoming to keep my list going.

Without further ado, but unfortunately with no ribbon to cut self-importantly, number one.

1 – Be alone. I mean this not in the relationship sense, but rather, geographically. I depend constantly on others, to a degree that isn’t excused by my teenager-living-at-home status. I hate going to do things alone. At school, I won’t walk around at lunch alone for fear people will look at me and think I have no friends. That’s just one example. I enjoy being alone, just not where others can see. I think I need to wean myself from the company of others. I want long-term solitude, time to think and get used to my thoughts without television or the internet shredding them. So far, this is realized in my plan to go camping sometime this summer, just my dog and I (a pit-bull mix, she makes a very effective rapist/murderer deterrent, along with wonderful company). My requirements; trees, birdsong, a river, beer that’s at that perfect temperature only a mountain river can chill it to, the stars at night, bacon (again, the ultimate when camping), a few good books and no one else.

And now, on a vaguely related note, introducing lolrus.





Ennui

2 03 2010

My week has not gone well. So far, I have:

– Forgotten to turn in a mildly important paper on time because I was late to class. AGAIN. My fault, I know, but it’s irritating me that I am having trouble with being on time. Normally punctuality is something that is vitally important to me; the fact that classes aren’t uppermost in my mind right now is telling me senioritis has set in badly.

– Spent $10 on a deliciously-scented candle which, when lit, only scents the air for about an inch around the flame. Useless. Bath & Body Works, I used to love you, but your candles suck.

–  Been irrationally jealous upon discovering that a boy I hooked up with a few times this summer is dating a girl. I don’t have feelings for him- he’s not especially good in bed and is a year younger than me, although he is cute. So why do I get pissed off when he moves on? It’s not like I ever encouraged him in any way; in fact, probably the opposite. But now I catch myself giving him come-hither looks in the hallways and plotting to steal him. (I know. I am going to hell.) I have these horrible patterns with guys and I hate it. Dysfunction is my first, middle and last name, apparently.

– Felt generally awful. I have been fairly busy, but it’s just been one of those weeks when I sit and try not to cry because I am thinking about random things and making myself sad. I seem to go through cycles- happy and optimistic, then a week or two of plummeting grumpiness, bittersweet reminiscence and anger. Slamming someone’s head into a locker never sounded so good. I find myself cussing more, as well. Teenage hormones are terrible, terrible things.

– Yelled and snapped at many, many people who in all likelihood didn’t deserve my vitriol. God, I sound like a freaking prize, don’t I?

So, I am playing doctor (not accredited, but still better than Dr. Phil) and prescribing myself sunshine, assuming the blasted atmosphere cooperates, quality pet time, sweet tea, some good upbeat music (Train, anyone?), delicious incense, cleaning, and writing (simply by putting this down, I feel a bit better). Anyone feel like sharing their happy-jumpstart techniques?





Senior Quote

25 02 2010

So, I have been racking my brains to choose a senior quote for the yearbook but I just… I have so many favorite quotes! I can’t do this alone; I need y’all to input your wonderful input. Yes, I am one of those lame weirdos who obsess over things like this, and I also obsess over the epic and magical words of others, which adds up to massive and unnecessary anxiety. Some of these are way too long, but let me know which ones you like best, as I can always pluck out a good sentence. These are roughly in order from favorite to least favorite, although I am rather madly in love with all of them.

“Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldn’t be here if stars hadn’t exploded, because the elements – the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life – weren’t created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget Jesus. The stars died so that you could be here today.” – Lawrence Krauss

“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries & they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.” – Charles Bukowski

“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream only by night.” -Edgar Allan Poe (this is something I have considered getting tattooed on me… but just feels wrong for the yearbook)

“Don’t clap too loudly- it’s a very old world.” -Player in “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead” (Just found this but it was one of those things that I had to stop and re-read about five times)

“Don’t do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.” -Henry Rollins (I have no clue who this man is, but he’s apparently my kinda dude)

“I’m not interested in preserving the status quo; I want to overthrow it.” -Machiavelli

So? Thoughts? Also, photos of my very first tattoo will be up soon. That’s right, I’ve joined the tattooed masses!





Lovely Links

24 02 2010

First things first; a warning of sorts. The other night my friends and I were at a club in which 911 had to be called because a girl, whose ‘friends’ had let her sit passed out in the corner for the last 40 minutes, was convulsing. She either had alcohol poisoning or OD’d on something else. So, guys, when/if you drink or do drugs, be careful, ok? Just pace yourself. You’re awesome, don’t die because of something that lame. And for god’s sake, don’t do them with people who will dump you in a corner.

All right. On to some interesting things from the vast internet.

  • Totally amazing photos of amazing people. This will blow your mind, I promise. Includes Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Bob Marley to name just a few.
  • Ahhh, the eternal existential plight of the lonely hipster… Furniture has never been so funny.
  • This is a list of some of the most interesting psychological experiments done.
  • Ever had a little too much and sent a text that maybe you shouldn’t have? Oh yeah. Been there. Soooo been there…. You will split your sides laughing, I promise you.
  • This has pictures of hot guys, but also some interesting history about male modeling. And also hot guys.
  • Someday, someone will invent a machine that Tweets our every thought automatically to the internet, and then the world will implode. Until then we can make fun of illustrated celebrity tweets.
  • Even bacteria get lonely… I think that is possibly the most evocative and heart wrenching headline I have ever come across.
  • Gorgeous, gorgeous, curve-multiplying jaw-dropping traffic stopping dresses.

pic-paper-doll-sugar-dress-gun

I want this dress so bad. Like bacon. Except, maybe not the model’s makeup.





New Year’s Resolutions

25 12 2009

 

So it’s not Christmas yet, but I don’t care. I’m listing my New Year’s resolutions and I’m doing it now! Yeah, yeah, I know 90% of the time they don’t get done… too bad. It’s the spirit of self-improvement, you know? I’m normally a pessimist but I’m indulging in some glass-half-full right now (of delicious chocolate tea, actually) and I’m feeling very determined. It’s the magic of the New Decade, yo!

One- Whip myself into shape. I didn’t realize how lazy I’d been this winter until I hiked up a plateau with some friends a week ago… Not pretty. I hereby pledge to go running with my dog at least 4 days a week.

Two- Make my room into a place I actually think is pretty. Right now it’s an obnoxious lavender, complete with no storage and these really atrocious denim curtains. No thanks. I picture fairy lights around the ceiling, pillows everywhere, a big ass tree or plant of some kind, and rainbow maker crystals in the window.

Rainbow Window Holographic Prism.jpg
Third- Move out. This also entails finding a job, which at this point I think will take a lot of luck… the economy in the place I live is freaking terrible. But it will happen!

Four- Do some more volunteer work. I already volunteer one day a week at Wildlife Images Rehabilitation Center, which is a place that takes in wild animals and cares for them. It’s freaking great, but I’d also like to help at a local pound or vet’s office. You can never do too much, say I.

Five- Learn something new and rad. On my list of possibilities are ballroom dancing, pottery, cake decorating, how to ride a bike (Yes. I don’t know how. I have the balance of a drunken wallaby. Let’s move on), pole dancing, calligraphy, soap making, or knitting.

Six- Be a better person. I’ve done some things this year I am not really proud of and I am starting to get a little bit guilty. So! In 2010, I really want to get back to my personal beliefs and morals a little more.

So what are your New Year’s resolutions? Anything good? It’s the time of new beginnings!