Bucket List #1

5 05 2010

My mortal clock is overly loud. I’ve always been rather obsessed with the fact that one day, I’ll be dead. Since no one talks about that, I don’t know if my fears are normal or absolutely crazy, not that it matters, but to help soothe the raging tick-tock in my skull, I’m making a bucket list. This hopefully isn’t going to be one of the silly self-indulgent ones people make to validate their fear/laziness/lack of spine (though likely it’s hubris to think mine will be any different) consisting of items like- “Fall in love.” “Visit all the continents”. “Have one boy and one girl.” I am not saying those aren’t worthy goals, because they are; they are simply not the things that move me.


 My entries may not be concrete, they may not be doable for decades, they may not even make much sense, but then again it’s never easy to elucidate what you really want. It sounds easy now but I have a feeling it will be harder than I think to limit myself to realistic things… This is going to be a category added to as things occur to me, edited, fiddled with as I mature. So new posts will be forthcoming to keep my list going.

Without further ado, but unfortunately with no ribbon to cut self-importantly, number one.

1 – Be alone. I mean this not in the relationship sense, but rather, geographically. I depend constantly on others, to a degree that isn’t excused by my teenager-living-at-home status. I hate going to do things alone. At school, I won’t walk around at lunch alone for fear people will look at me and think I have no friends. That’s just one example. I enjoy being alone, just not where others can see. I think I need to wean myself from the company of others. I want long-term solitude, time to think and get used to my thoughts without television or the internet shredding them. So far, this is realized in my plan to go camping sometime this summer, just my dog and I (a pit-bull mix, she makes a very effective rapist/murderer deterrent, along with wonderful company). My requirements; trees, birdsong, a river, beer that’s at that perfect temperature only a mountain river can chill it to, the stars at night, bacon (again, the ultimate when camping), a few good books and no one else.

And now, on a vaguely related note, introducing lolrus.

New Year’s Resolutions

25 12 2009


So it’s not Christmas yet, but I don’t care. I’m listing my New Year’s resolutions and I’m doing it now! Yeah, yeah, I know 90% of the time they don’t get done… too bad. It’s the spirit of self-improvement, you know? I’m normally a pessimist but I’m indulging in some glass-half-full right now (of delicious chocolate tea, actually) and I’m feeling very determined. It’s the magic of the New Decade, yo!

One- Whip myself into shape. I didn’t realize how lazy I’d been this winter until I hiked up a plateau with some friends a week ago… Not pretty. I hereby pledge to go running with my dog at least 4 days a week.

Two- Make my room into a place I actually think is pretty. Right now it’s an obnoxious lavender, complete with no storage and these really atrocious denim curtains. No thanks. I picture fairy lights around the ceiling, pillows everywhere, a big ass tree or plant of some kind, and rainbow maker crystals in the window.

Rainbow Window Holographic Prism.jpg
Third- Move out. This also entails finding a job, which at this point I think will take a lot of luck… the economy in the place I live is freaking terrible. But it will happen!

Four- Do some more volunteer work. I already volunteer one day a week at Wildlife Images Rehabilitation Center, which is a place that takes in wild animals and cares for them. It’s freaking great, but I’d also like to help at a local pound or vet’s office. You can never do too much, say I.

Five- Learn something new and rad. On my list of possibilities are ballroom dancing, pottery, cake decorating, how to ride a bike (Yes. I don’t know how. I have the balance of a drunken wallaby. Let’s move on), pole dancing, calligraphy, soap making, or knitting.

Six- Be a better person. I’ve done some things this year I am not really proud of and I am starting to get a little bit guilty. So! In 2010, I really want to get back to my personal beliefs and morals a little more.

So what are your New Year’s resolutions? Anything good? It’s the time of new beginnings!

Elf Ahoy!

22 12 2009

Go elf hunting.

The Greater Things in Life

3 11 2009

Have you ever had one of those moments when your focus sharpens, a shiver runs up your body, your heart speeds up and the earth shakes? I’m not talking dirty, either, people! I’m talking about running across a certain quote, a movie, a person, a song, a place or a picture that has such a deep and hidden meaning to you and you alone that it becomes somewhat of an obsession, burning up your brain as you try to swallow it all up. Anything that provokes days of convoluted thoughts and inspires new resolutions for your life qualifies.

I am a firm believer that everyone should seek out these kind of moments, because they are what forces us to the highest skies, to plumb the depths of our spirits. For me personally, the days have been weighing down more and more lately; the daily grind is becoming all too tedious and crude, like a gritty old movie. Halloween morning I woke up and I had a rather odd moment in which I realized that I didn’t like the people I was with and that this wasn’t where I wanted to be. At that exact moment, I wanted to be sitting alone on top of a mountain, staring at the blue sky, more than anything in the world. It put me in a very pissy mood, to say the least.

It’s hard to explain, but I hope you all understand the kind of thoughts I’m talking about. I don’t want to call it a revelation or an epiphany, it’s too serious and yet it trivializes the thing. I had that moment, a conscious thought, word for word in my head, “I want a change in my life.” Then I went home and ran across this quote, which I sat and re-read at least ten times before immediately copying it down.

“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries & they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.” — Buk. (via Love Letter to the Universe)

It’s an understatement to say this affected me deeply. Sounds silly, yeah yeah, but face it, the very largest portion of what makes us takes place invisibly as neruons fire in the darkness of our skulls. For the past months, I’ve felt like I was walking through quicksand, a weight on my head and a little ball of panic in my stomach. I can’t explain it, but I feel on fire now, electric, confident and creative, unstoppable, a warrior; a Leo for the first time in a long time. Be on the look out for things that will follow you your whole life, don’t let them pass you by. If you spend your days looking for tiny amazements, you’re that much more likely to find them.

Release the Beast

4 08 2009

Every one of us has their own, secret, inner way of viewing themselves. You may think of yourself as a very patient person who enjoys nothing more than helping others, or as a pragmatic realist who sees things more clearly than others do, or as an outgoing social butterfly whom everyone loves- the list goes on and on. Often, these self images are very different from the way we actually act towards and are viewed as by others. Maybe we took to heart something in particular said about us a long time ago, perhaps we are stifling our true personality for fear of the consequences, or are just in denial.

It can be very hard to be true to our real thoughts, and often it’s a much more prudent idea not to be! It’s shocking how often my instincts tell me to say to a friend, “Shut up and deal with it, God, all you ever do is whine about this ridiculous boy who’s just mooching off you!” or things to that effect. If I really listened to my angry, sarcastic, skeptical inner voices I really doubt that my friends would ever speak to me. So the trick we are addressing here is the rare ability to separate your good instincts from the not-so-good, and the real from the fake.

Take a moment and think about how you see yourself. Write it down, if it helps. Take that list and look it over carefully; does friendly really mean pushy, or are you a truly outgoing and caring person? Is shy code for lonely and frightened, or do you know and accept that you are simply a quiet introvert? My list went like this;


Reading back through this, I realize that I tend to dismiss immediately opinions other than my own (realistic, skeptical), that my shyness around new people tends to come off as cool and unfriendly, and that I sometimes support things or ideas that I am really not sure about yet because I view myself as tolerant. I sometimes feel that if I don’t believe in something immediately I’m not being as “openminded” as I am supposed to be, according to my inner version of myself. See? Immediately, things to work on and a new insight into the way my interactions with others work.

Self images are the root of everything we do. It’s important to understand ourselves and take a good long look at everything in order to facilitate a deeper awareness of our desires and our needs. You’re fabulous, amazing, and very important, so take some time to discover yourself- what you find might surprise you. Asking a friend is never a bad idea, either, but do be prepared for brutal honesty when asking how you really come across to others.

Extra credit: Daily Om. Sign up for their daily newsletter. It has a distinct overtone of those hippie guru men who talk about dirty auras, soul beads and animal spirits, but it’s fun nonetheless and it will assuredly make you think. 

Focus on the Now

11 07 2009

Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my life, like it’s all going by too fast and for no purpose (I know, I know, melodramatic). This is patently ridiculous- I’m not yet seventeen, and if I look at my life objectively, I know that I’m doing pretty all right and contributing my fair share to improving our world. I believe that this ennui is just a result of being an itty bitty human in our great big world, floating in the sea of problems.

The doldrums are no place to live your life, though, at any age! Sometimes it takes a reminder to discover anew that our lives are generally not as bad as we think. Just take a big breath of beautiful air, pet your dog, significant other or best friend, and take a moment to count off all the wicked awesome parts of your life happening right now this instant. Realize that you are fabulous and you are making this world better with every step you take, even if they are small.

Words Aren’t Enough…

21 03 2009

At the risk of sounding like a valley girl: Oh my gaaawwwwwd!! Oh my gawd oh my gawd!

Feast your eyes.

Feast your eyes.

This brilliant, brilliant woman has somehow combined two of my most favorite things in life, the resplendent plumage of peacocks and the adorableness of pugs. From now on, all my fantasies and daydreams shall include a shimmery iridescent pugcock romping by my side through fields of edible buttercups while opal-colored swams sail through the crystal blue waters. This has honestly made my day, and although I generally find stuffed/fake animals very creepy I would keep these little darlings near me at all times. The craftmanship looks wonderful, too. Check out her galleries as well for more eye sugar.