Slurp.

26 11 2009

giraffe01.jpg

Oh yes.

That, my friends, is a giraffe enjoying the delicious tastiness of your computer screen.

That giraffe says, “Go here and draw a giraffe! Help that blog get goin’!”

Note carefully that she does not say, “Goez heer so i can haz frend?!” because giraffes, in addition to high heads, have high I.Qs. Nevertheless, they are afraid of cats, who do speak that way… maybe you should be afraid, too.

funny pictures of cats with captions





Dealing With Jerks: The Comprehensive Guide

24 11 2009

There are 6,799,011, 761 people in the world at the time I write this. If you were stuck in 6.7 billion elevators with them, you’d probably like, or at least be able to tolerate, many of them (this doesn’t apply to suspicious curmudgeons such as myself). Thankfully we don’t have to make the acquaintance of all the people who share our earth; we do run into a whole hell of a lot over the course of a life, though. So what do we do when we meet a jerk?

What’s a jerk, you say? Let me give you a quick bio…

Jerks, more specifically know as Cranialis rectus, are found everywhere, but can be coaxed into letting out their distinctive shrill cries by several methods. Daring to have a different opinion, taking up their precious time in any way, and politely asking them to not shout into their cell phones have all proven successful. They are nearly impossible to intimidate once they have been questioned or crossed, and often refuse to admit guilt to anything. Jerks, of necessity, have evolved an inability to understand that anyone besides themselves is important, and can be recognized by such.

You all know one (probably more) of these people. Maybe it’s the chick at work who refuses to stop eating her daily plate of haggis right next to you, the high school girl who dubs anyone over 120 lbs. “Miss Piggy’, or that guy in front of you at the stop light who won’t go for a minute at a green, and then, upon your horn being beeped, gets out to berate you as the cause of ‘society’s downfall.’ They come in all colors, shapes, sizes,and levels of jerkdom, hell, they’re sometimes even family.

It seems to be my fate to meet them everywhere. I guess I just set them off by refusing to kowtow to their bullying, arrogant, nasty attitudes. I am also cursed with a temper rivaling that of my redheaded aunt after half a bottle of jack. So what do you do if you can’t stand letting them walk all over you?

Well, it’s simple. Standing up to them works wonders. You would be shocked how many otherwise normal people meekly accept absolutely ridiculous abuse from your local jerk. Now I’m not saying to go off on someone who doesn’t deserve this; reserve your words for the most deserving of jerks.

However, these malcontents have to be disciplined with tact, or you can come off as a jerk yourself. Let’s say you are waiting in line at Wal-mart, when the man in front of you starts berating the teller in tones more suitable for an outdoors murder. What did this teller do? The machine isn’t reading his card; clearly, this is 100% her fault and she must be reduced to tears immediately! So you, being the polite Jerk Slayer, say something along the lines of, “Sir, I don’t think she’s in charge of that machine’s maintenence, and if you give her just a moment, she can get deal with your problem, and our ears will thank you, too.” This must be said with a smile and a low, calm tone, but I swear to God, it usually works. Granted, you will get some spluttering, muttered epithets, even an angry, “Mind your business!” but usually a public reprimand of this type does wonders.

So the basic rules to dealing with jerks;

One, don’t lose your cool.

Two, be an example through your cool calm demeanor.

Three, be prepared to get the jerk’s famous #$%!&  spray turned on you.

Four, be confident in your correctness.

So go forth! Don’t be afraid to say something to the jerks you meet! These people think they can get away with their uncouth behavior because no one checks them, so put the kibosh on that rubbish idea! Your friends will thank you, everyone around will thank you, hell, you may even get spontaneous applause (it’s happened to me!) and you’re making the world a better place! Manners are the grease that keeps the hinges between 6.7 billion people spinning and you can be that wonderful, shining example of WD-40!





Playing Favorites

9 11 2009

It’s been a good weekend, folks!! Things that I am currently adoring include;

  • Thick, warm, fuzzy socks.
  • Those freaking adorable little bitty marshmallows in hot chocolate.
  • Being the only person I know who says ‘pop’ rather than soda.
  • Curly intricate drinking straws.
  • Ridiculous and totally ’90’s photo poses.

Charlie's Angel's, yeah baby!

  • Realizing my shoes, which I’ve had for months, say “Love you” on the soles! With a heart and arrow, natch.
  • Managing to resist biting my nails (I know, I’m disgusting).
  • Ice tea. God, it’s so yummy.
  • Twirly voluminous skirts. I have decided I need more.
  • Making plans. I am one of those people who gets a kick out of fillinf our surveys and making lists, graphs, blueprints, hell, even managing my budget.
  • A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
  • Rolling office chairs.
  • Seinfeld reruns. Nothing else makes me laugh so hard.

  • As I write this, I realize I just bit off my pinky nail… Pride goes before a fall, I guess…. Damn!
  • Novelty phones. You know, lips, bananas, whatever.
  • ’80’s movies. My favorites of the moment are the classics: Grease, Grease 2 (I actually like this one more than the original…), Footloose and The Breakfast Club.
  • Being inspired stylistically by ’80’s movies. God, I want leather Sandy pants so bad. And her legs to go with them, haha.
  • Fruit smoothies. Mmmm.
  • Minks. You will never see a cuter animal! We have one where I work, she’s a total doll. She creates havoc everywhere she goes, of course, but still, a little cutie.
  • Seeing a cop’s lights, getting nervous, then realizing he’s not after you.
  • M.M. Kaye’s amazing novels of India and incredible love. Go read The Far Pavilions and you’ll be amazed. Yes, it’s long, I know, but stick it out. I was, in turns, sobbing, laughing, and literally gasping out loud.
  • Turning off the news. I can pick and choose my information online, thank you very much, without getting bombarded with horrible news.
  • Antique shops. I waste hours in them routinely.
  • This.

So what are you guys loving lately? Anything in particular making your day/week/whatever?





The Greater Things in Life

3 11 2009

Have you ever had one of those moments when your focus sharpens, a shiver runs up your body, your heart speeds up and the earth shakes? I’m not talking dirty, either, people! I’m talking about running across a certain quote, a movie, a person, a song, a place or a picture that has such a deep and hidden meaning to you and you alone that it becomes somewhat of an obsession, burning up your brain as you try to swallow it all up. Anything that provokes days of convoluted thoughts and inspires new resolutions for your life qualifies.

I am a firm believer that everyone should seek out these kind of moments, because they are what forces us to the highest skies, to plumb the depths of our spirits. For me personally, the days have been weighing down more and more lately; the daily grind is becoming all too tedious and crude, like a gritty old movie. Halloween morning I woke up and I had a rather odd moment in which I realized that I didn’t like the people I was with and that this wasn’t where I wanted to be. At that exact moment, I wanted to be sitting alone on top of a mountain, staring at the blue sky, more than anything in the world. It put me in a very pissy mood, to say the least.

It’s hard to explain, but I hope you all understand the kind of thoughts I’m talking about. I don’t want to call it a revelation or an epiphany, it’s too serious and yet it trivializes the thing. I had that moment, a conscious thought, word for word in my head, “I want a change in my life.” Then I went home and ran across this quote, which I sat and re-read at least ten times before immediately copying it down.

“There’s nothing to mourn about death any more than there is to mourn about the growing of a flower. What is terrible is not death but the lives people live or don’t live up until their death. They don’t honor their own lives, they piss on their lives. They shit them away. Dumb fuckers. They concentrate too much on fucking, movies, money, family, fucking. Their minds are full of cotton. They swallow God without thinking, they swallow country without thinking. Soon they forget how to think, they let others think for them. Their brains are stuffed with cotton. They look ugly, they talk ugly, they walk ugly. Play them the great music of the centuries & they can’t hear it. Most people’s deaths are a sham. There’s nothing left to die.” — Buk. (via Love Letter to the Universe)

It’s an understatement to say this affected me deeply. Sounds silly, yeah yeah, but face it, the very largest portion of what makes us takes place invisibly as neruons fire in the darkness of our skulls. For the past months, I’ve felt like I was walking through quicksand, a weight on my head and a little ball of panic in my stomach. I can’t explain it, but I feel on fire now, electric, confident and creative, unstoppable, a warrior; a Leo for the first time in a long time. Be on the look out for things that will follow you your whole life, don’t let them pass you by. If you spend your days looking for tiny amazements, you’re that much more likely to find them.