29 06 2010

So I have a horse:

Missie says, "Wake me up and I'll bite you!"

 Yes, she’s beautiful, believe me she knows it…. anyway, to get training for her (which I need since she’s much smarter than I alone) I clean stalls at a local ranch every Monday in trade.

There’s a fine art to cleaning manure. Horses walk, all the time, constantly; they even sleep on their feet. So the poo doesn’t stay in nice easily-scooped little piles (well, not little, exactly); it gets trampled all over heck, and you have to use a rake to get all the pieces, or else spend hours more than necessary.
It was Monday. I raked… I scooped… I defended my wheelbarrow against horses who like to scratch themselves on it and inadvertently tip it over, I dodged bites, I sweated, I raked again. Then (in the middle of a particularly juicy curse aimed at a diabolical pony named, deceptively, Sugar) I looked back and saw the rake’s marks in the dust. They were beautiful. Heatstroke may have had a hand in this, but I swear, the whole ground was just these lovely soft curving lines, like the tracks of a hundred mysterious snakes.
Before Sugar ran off with my shovel, it reminded me of one of those Zen gardens, where monks comb lines into the sand around big boulders.
It was an unexpectedly tranquil moment and I am really glad I didn’t miss it. There were even a few butterflies in my ‘zen’ garden (they are attracted to the salt in the horsie pee). It was the perfect touch. So, lesson: look for the beauty that is left after poo is removed!

I Was Afraid to Look for a Picture for this Post…

11 04 2010

Dear American Apparel,

You seem to have lots of cute basic clothes (and some weird stuff…) I like basics; I enjoy owning the same featureless shirt in many different colors. Perhaps you can tell that I am a lazy dresser. However, you don’t have any stores near me. So, being a fancy-pants modern chick, I go to your website…

… And my father walks by. He stops. I look up to find him staring at the screen. We meet eyes in a moment even more awkward than Leia and Luke’s incest Star Wars kiss. My 56-year old dad thinks I am looking at porn in our kitchen.

YOU NEED TO MAKE A PG VERSION OF YOUR WEBSITE! Also, I am convinced some of those models have no bones. I mean… really, pretzel models? REALLY? No one will ever wear that gold jumpsuit with their ankles crossed behind their skull. No one. Ever.

Sincerely, Me

We Salute You, Flying Tomato

11 03 2010

To-may-to, to-mah-to… no matter how you look at it Shaun White is hot. He fulfills my entire cute-guy list- which, honestly, consists mostly of a cute butt and red hair. I had an awful day which involved watching disgustingly cute 18th century couples kiss on stage (Pride and Prejudice) which thoroughly depressed me, so I am going to shamelessly ogle Shaun White.

Plus… the Double McTwist 1260? Really? Thanks to his signature move this kid has a pretty spicy pickup line all ready to go. I’d double mctwist his…. nevermind.

Winter X Games Athletes

Elf Ahoy!

22 12 2009

Go elf hunting.

Oh dear…

5 12 2009

Someone just found my blog by searching, “a giraffe with wings having sex”.

I write about abortion and get, like, 30 hits from totally normal people. But put a picture of a giraffe up and *bam* the furries come out… The internet is so weird.

Dealing With Jerks: The Comprehensive Guide

24 11 2009

There are 6,799,011, 761 people in the world at the time I write this. If you were stuck in 6.7 billion elevators with them, you’d probably like, or at least be able to tolerate, many of them (this doesn’t apply to suspicious curmudgeons such as myself). Thankfully we don’t have to make the acquaintance of all the people who share our earth; we do run into a whole hell of a lot over the course of a life, though. So what do we do when we meet a jerk?

What’s a jerk, you say? Let me give you a quick bio…

Jerks, more specifically know as Cranialis rectus, are found everywhere, but can be coaxed into letting out their distinctive shrill cries by several methods. Daring to have a different opinion, taking up their precious time in any way, and politely asking them to not shout into their cell phones have all proven successful. They are nearly impossible to intimidate once they have been questioned or crossed, and often refuse to admit guilt to anything. Jerks, of necessity, have evolved an inability to understand that anyone besides themselves is important, and can be recognized by such.

You all know one (probably more) of these people. Maybe it’s the chick at work who refuses to stop eating her daily plate of haggis right next to you, the high school girl who dubs anyone over 120 lbs. “Miss Piggy’, or that guy in front of you at the stop light who won’t go for a minute at a green, and then, upon your horn being beeped, gets out to berate you as the cause of ‘society’s downfall.’ They come in all colors, shapes, sizes,and levels of jerkdom, hell, they’re sometimes even family.

It seems to be my fate to meet them everywhere. I guess I just set them off by refusing to kowtow to their bullying, arrogant, nasty attitudes. I am also cursed with a temper rivaling that of my redheaded aunt after half a bottle of jack. So what do you do if you can’t stand letting them walk all over you?

Well, it’s simple. Standing up to them works wonders. You would be shocked how many otherwise normal people meekly accept absolutely ridiculous abuse from your local jerk. Now I’m not saying to go off on someone who doesn’t deserve this; reserve your words for the most deserving of jerks.

However, these malcontents have to be disciplined with tact, or you can come off as a jerk yourself. Let’s say you are waiting in line at Wal-mart, when the man in front of you starts berating the teller in tones more suitable for an outdoors murder. What did this teller do? The machine isn’t reading his card; clearly, this is 100% her fault and she must be reduced to tears immediately! So you, being the polite Jerk Slayer, say something along the lines of, “Sir, I don’t think she’s in charge of that machine’s maintenence, and if you give her just a moment, she can get deal with your problem, and our ears will thank you, too.” This must be said with a smile and a low, calm tone, but I swear to God, it usually works. Granted, you will get some spluttering, muttered epithets, even an angry, “Mind your business!” but usually a public reprimand of this type does wonders.

So the basic rules to dealing with jerks;

One, don’t lose your cool.

Two, be an example through your cool calm demeanor.

Three, be prepared to get the jerk’s famous #$%!&  spray turned on you.

Four, be confident in your correctness.

So go forth! Don’t be afraid to say something to the jerks you meet! These people think they can get away with their uncouth behavior because no one checks them, so put the kibosh on that rubbish idea! Your friends will thank you, everyone around will thank you, hell, you may even get spontaneous applause (it’s happened to me!) and you’re making the world a better place! Manners are the grease that keeps the hinges between 6.7 billion people spinning and you can be that wonderful, shining example of WD-40!

And the Leg Bone is Connected to the Thigh Bone…

23 09 2009

“I thought long and hard about what I really wanted, what my passion was. And I decided I wanted to be a fucking zombie.”

-Rick, Zombie Boy, June 2008

I just stumbled over this guy’s interview and I gotta say, he totally nails my sense of humor. Even if you’re not a fan of braaaaaaaaains, go read it, seriously, it’s funny and it will actually make you think, too. He’s the perfect example of a person society thinks must be stupid/uneducated/a total delinquent, but then the person says, “Up yours, society,” and spouts off some well thought out, totally cogent and memorable quotes, thereby kicking society’s collective ass and sending them slinking away. Yes, this is probably a little insane* but even if you hate all tattoos, you at least have to admire his dedication. I know I have a little crush..

Extra credit : Gala’s Guide to Getting Great Tattoos Without Regret

* Rick also says, “I sacrificed my whole future for this.” So please, please don’t get even a small tattoo unless you absolutely love it and have thought about it for a long time. If you have, then go for it, baby!